Thursday, May 26, 2011
From The Onion:
NEW YORK—Just weeks after his body was buried at sea, Osama bin Laden burst forth from the ocean depths early this morning, rising to the monstrous height of 500 feet and rapidly making his way down the East Coast of the United States in a rampage expected to leave hundreds of thousands dead and easily eclipse 9/11 as the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history.Update: Bin Laden Returns To Sea
Currently, much of New York City and Washington, D.C., including the Empire State Building, the White House, and the Capitol Building, lay in ruins, with overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a country ravaged by the gigantic, irate al-Qaeda leader.
"Our nation faces its gravest challenge yet," a visibly shaken President Obama said, interrupting his prepared remarks to both houses of British Parliament in London. "I cannot say that we will prevail, only that we will fight to the last."
"May God help us all," Obama added as the walls and ceiling shook around him.
Maria Kushner, one of the lucky few to escape via the Coast Guard vessels arrayed along the East River, told reporters she looked back to land and saw bin Laden using the Empire State Building as a club to pulverize the U.N.'s headquarters.
"There were all these soldiers shooting at him, but he was relentless," Kushner said. "Just smashing and smashing. It's like he killed 3,000 people on 9/11 and finally came back for everyone else."
"Isn't that fucker supposed to be dead?" added Kushner, who told reporters she would never forget looking out her office window on the 72nd story of a Midtown skyscraper and seeing nothing but bin Laden's enormous eye looking back at her. "Why isn't he dead?"