Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Monday, November 12, 2007



Women might be a mystery to men, we all admit that, but, in order for us to get along well, there are a few things that they should know about men too:

  1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
  2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
    • Unless the answer is yes.
    • In which case, can he videotape it?
  3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
  4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
  5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
  6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
  7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
  8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
  9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
  10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.
  11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
  12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
  13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
  14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
  15. Of course he wants another beer.
  16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
  17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
  18. He does not want to be just friends.
  19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
  20. He was not looking at that other girl.
    • Well, okay… maybe a little.
    • Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
  21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
  22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
  23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
  24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
  25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
  26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
  27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
  28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
  29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
  30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
  31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
  32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
  33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
  34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
  35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
  36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…

via
Follow Blame it on the Voices on Twitter | Blame it on the Voices on Facebook

If you liked this post, you can subscribe to the Blame It On The Voices RSS feed and get your regular fix


34 comentarii:

Martin said...

Good Job! :)

muñeca said...

awe...we laugh at injuries to the balls, well, at least I do ( I never do the injuring), because it's my first reaction...not because it's funny, but because I'm hopeless and I don't know what else to do...then I recover from the initial shock and rush to help.

LETHAL-ENDING said...

haha

well written :D

these should be mandatory

hehe

Rob Charlton said...

There's not one thing, not one single thing, on God's green earth that I love more than humour based on received ideas about gender norms.
It's not easy.
It's not lazy.
It's always hilarious.
And it's never offensive in any way to anyone with an ounce of awareness and a couple of braincells to rub together.

Nickname unavailable said...

Oh ?!
This was a joke ?

tekilita said...

23. you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

26. Don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to...

lol...

Anonymous said...

n. 18...he doesn't want to be "just friends"? oh fuck. But THAT'S what HE said :<

Travis said...

The good ones are: 5, 7, 9, 12, 14, 20(part 3), 24

the GREAT one are: 23, 31 and 33.

the rest are shit

Anonymous said...

27 should b made into #1 and should b taken the most seriously

taty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Philip at Thavage said...

Can I get an amen?

Anonymous said...

Juvenile. I'm really tired of reading these gender "jokes" written by people who think they are incisive or "aware". It's really, really, really, really getting old.... And it was never funny.

jackson said...

you forgot to put "never mention ex-boyfriends/husbands/hookups unless for some reason he asks"

Karl Marx said...

Hahaha!! I love This.

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote this isn't very good at being a man since they have to take tips on how a man should act from lists like this.

yogesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Intelligent, informative AND not completely sexist! Great job. Hope to read more oppressive literature like this soon!

Anonymous said...

One thing a man should know about a woman:
1. If he adheres to, does, believes in, majority of the above mentioned list....he probly wont get laid by a woman....ever.

acting like an ass is never sexy..and writing lists to confirm your assholishness is also never a turn on.

Anonymous said...

Wow some uptight idiots in here. this was intended as a joooooke so take the sand out of your vaginas

Anonymous said...

stupid crap.

Anonymous said...

lol what retard wrote this

Mesila 333 said...

Eyeroll. Not all dudes are Dog People. Not all girls and women prefer cats. Dog people should date dog people, cat people should date cat people...that is, if what they are seeking is a cohabitive relationship in which they would be able to have animals instead of/in addition to 'human larvae'...and not have them fighting each other all the time.

CATS are FAR better to have around than dogs, especially in cities, since they do their business in a box and bury it, and don't howl whenever needing 'walkies'. Also, cats don't slobber on people immediately after putting their own turds in their mouths. They neither drool nor munch 'logs', period.

The choice is clear.

Anonymous said...

well this was clearly written by a douche & to defend my statement i will off details as to why...
#3: Hell yes that is hilarious!! It's not just women who find it funny but other guys aswell!! I've seen countless pranks involving a hard object, a slingshot & some guys family jewels!!
#7: Who doesn't want a good looking guy? Not all of them are assholes.
#23: key word in that sentence:satisfying.If a woman is faking she clearly isn't satisfied & is only doing it so it wont hurt your ego. But if you'd rather have her tell you that you straight up suck then be my guest. Its helping you remember...
#26:really? learn how to read jackass.
#27: After reading this list, I have come to the conclusion that the type of guy its written for is ugly, disgusting, low on the intelligent level & desperate...who would even consider the thought of touching him let alone his...
#34: no he really doesn't. but just let him think he does.
#35: yeah just like leaving a bloody tampon in the toilet or not shaving our armpits is adorable.

Anonymous said...

#33

is this from the 90s?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
"After reading this list, I have come to the conclusion that the type of guy its written for is ugly, disgusting, low on the intelligent level"

"key word in that sentence:satisfying.If a woman is faking she clearly isn't satisfied & is only doing it so it wont hurt your ego. But if you'd rather have her tell you that you straight up suck then be my guest. Its helping you remember..."

That is the whole point moron.

numbsain said...

You forgot:

the only time a man is able to have a meaningful conversation is for the three minutes following his orgasm. Unless he's asleep, or hungry, or missing the game.

If he asks to look, he wants to touch. If he asks to touch, he wants to grope. If he asks to grope, he wants to lick. If he asks to lick, he wants to simulate procreation.

If he asks you to show him a little sump'm sump'm don't refuse on the premise that he'll get excited and want more. That fact is irrelevant.

The best expression to have during any sex act is shocked, scared and violated. Not understanding, encouraging or amused.

MOST IMPORTANT: When he's all the way in, never say, "MORE!"

funny quotes said...

these are really some hard and funny truths about men, its hilarious funny jokes

alexznumber1 said...

Can someone tell me what this means?

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

Is it asking like someone that she does know, and the author is saying don't ask about something like if he is cheating?

Daniel said...

Quieres ganar visitas para tu blog,poner tu banner,que te linkeen,promocionar tu blog para ganar visitas,herramientas para posicionamietno: Directorio Blogs

Adaline Berckert said...

Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don't know what it's like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we're not as mysterious as women, there's still some things you need to know" Your man may just be too scared to tell you, so F&J is gonna do it for them. Yep that's us, standing up for men's rights everywhere.

sionmoa said...

Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people* love the one you're with.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was pretty damn good and funny too!

Warner Carter said...

Academic institutions are churning out ever-more female graduates. But the very skills that propel women to the top of the class in school are earning us middle-of the-pack marks in the workplace. David Tian

Anonymous said...

All of these are very true... If only more women would actually read this...

Post a Comment

Dear spammers! Please note that a nofollow attribute is automatically added to all the comment-related links!

You can use the following HTML tags: <b>, <i>, <a>